The Freedom Of (and to) Love

I was speaking to a friend who recently agreed to a marriage proposal.

"I actually wanted more time to think about it," she said. "But he was so insistent. He said that he loves me so much that he is so terrified that I would run away if given too much time. That was what made me so touched - how much he needed me - and that was what made me finally say 'Yes'"

She then asked me if I agreed that her fiance's words were touching. I told her I didn't think they were and that on the contrary, they revealed a desperation bordering on selfishness. She thought I was crazy. I didn't reply. But I now explain myself.

If ever my fiancee told me that she was not sure about us being together forever, I would, I hope, find it in myself to give her all the time and space she needed to make up her mind without any pressure or guilt. Indeed, quite the contrary to my friend's fiance, I would be terrified if my girl found it hard to run away even though she wanted to.

While that might seem counter-intuitive, I have always believed that I could never be happy if the people closest to me were unhappy. And as such, if my girlfriend felt compelled to stay with me even though part of her wanted to run away, it follows that neither of us would truly be happy.

Perhaps I'm being naive but I still believe that in this world of abject practicality, some idealism must persist. I still believe that true love is freedom and not an encumbrance; that a true commitment is forged when two parties choose each other in spite of an abundance of other possibilities/alternatives, and not because of the lack thereof.

Many of my friends have opined that some amount of possessiveness is necessary to let the other person know he or she means a lot and that letting someone go just because he or she has lingering doubts betrays a certain lack of conviction towards the relationship. That's where I disagree. You see, while I would give my undecided fiancee every opportunity to 'run away', I would do everything in my power to give her every reason to choose not to. Because when we come to think of it, isn't the value of life found in the collective sum of choices that we, and those around us, make?

What is more, I believe that the quest to continuously give our partners reasons to love us is a perpetual endeavour willingly (but not necessarily consciously) undertaken and borne out of nothing more than a desire to see him or her happy, as opposed to a duty that ceases once the prize is snared.

Above all, I believe that the feeling present when two people who love each other choose to be together no matter what is one that cannot adequately be described in words. It is for that reason, the desire to wake up everyday smug in the knowledge that someone unconditionally loves me, that I could never artificially encumber someone to myself.

I hope one day to choose and be chosen by someone special. Till then, I will give myself and those around me the freedom to find out about ourselves and what we really want.