Book I Read - The Perk by Mark Jimenez

I borrowed a book from a friend. It was written by Mark Jimenez, whose novels have plots revolving around the law and legal issues. Some of the parts of the book hit home a little harder than usual. Not because it involves an area which I am (supposed to be) familiar with, but because the protagonist is a lawyer who has lost his wife to cancer. Through the book, he finds and reads emails written by his wife throughout the stages of her cancer. Some of it, I could identify with - the fear, the despair, the hope (which is linked to the fear, that the hope is false or in vain, in a draining cycle). I read it before my latest scans, and it scared me because I wondered if it would be the same for me. And then my scan results came and I wondered if some parts are chillingly, and eerily similar, if this is going to be my story too, if the book was prophetic.

Anyway, here is a part of the book. In this scene, the main character, Beck, is taking his son, Luke, who has withdrawn very badly into himself since his mother's death, on a hike. He is encouraging Luke to open up.

"I'd sit right here for hours ... trying to figure things out. To understand why life isn't fair. But I know there's no figuring it out. All you can hope for is that your mother's life had meaning to your life, otherwise her life was wasted. I look at you and Meggie, and I see her. Up here, I feel my mother's spirit. She lives on in me. Luke, your mother's spirit lives on in you. You just have to let yourself feel it."

"But if you keep up like this, you'll drive her spirit out of you. Don't do that, son. Keep her inside you. Remember her in the good days, before she was sick, at your games cheering like a crazy woman when you got a hit or scored a goal or nailed a jump shot. She loved to watch you play. Because that's who you are, Luke. You're an athlete. And she's still watching you. Make her cheer for you again, son."

I was kind of feeling sorry for myself when I read it and then I realized a fundamental difference. I'm not gone yet! I'm still here!

I guess I chose to write out this conversation here because it struck me that Beck was telling his son that his mother's spirit was still in him even though she was no longer physically around. But on the other hand, I'm still here, breathing, feeling, living. If I plunge into self-pity and despair and withdraw from all that is beautiful in this world, then, much like Beck said to Luke, I would drive my spirit out of myself. And I would do so when I am still physically around. That, to me, would be one of life's utmost tragedies. I think it's ironic, but also easily understandable, how so many people may find it easier to feel the spirits of their loved ones inside them but struggle to locate their own spirit when faced with a crisis - life is tough and for so many, it is so much easier to long for others rather than fight one's own, possibly losing, battle.

But I choose to fight. I too was, am, an athlete. I do remember the races I ran, the records I broke. I recall, how, after suffering an injury which meant I would never run competitively again, I switched my attention to academics and got my first degree before I became an adult. But that doesn't really matter now. Unlike Beck, I am not recalling the good days. Those were not the good days, The good days are now! Always. For whatever time there is left (and may that be a long time yet). Life is for living, and I am going to live, I am going to fight it, to kick it, to hug it, to cling to it, to taste it, to love it, to hate it, to fear it, to savour it, to lash out at it, to dance with it, to play with it, to embrace it, to kiss it, to swing with it. But in all instances, I am going to live it.

So often people talk about dying before their time. To me, dying before one's time is losing one's spirit when one's body is still up and running. Not me. I am not done yet.

**************

P.S: But we all know it is a tough battle. And, to all those reading, I know Beck's last line to his son was "Make her cheer for you..." But as I said, sometimes we feel down, we feel it is really, really tough, So for those of you who are generous enough, you don't have to wait for me to make you cheer for me. Cheer for me now! You have no idea how that uplifts the spirit.

Return To The US

One of the reasons why I hardly blogged these few months is not just because my mind has been on other things but also because I didn't know how to write this next part.

So I'll just put it somewhat obliquely, matter-of-factly, wrapped up in another piece about a trip I made.

In July 2014, during a routine ultra-sound scan, it was detected that the cancer had spread to my liver. After a Radio-frequency Ablation to remove the nodule, we went to the States to discuss further options.

First up was a trip to the Cleveland Clinic, where I had treatment for my eye a year earlier.

Walked around at night in the open field near the First Energy Stadium. They were having some kind of celebration I think, perhaps in anticipation of the upcoming Gay Games, hence the laser beams.

After that, we headed to New York, where I tried to but failed to get an appointment with the Memorial Sloane Kettering Cancer Centre. I did get to go to Broadway though. The lights and energy were a lift to spirits, and perhaps hope.

Happier Days - NUS MBA Graduation

On 10 July 2014, I graduated with a Master's degree in Business Administration from NUS...

It feels not too long ago when I was pondering where to do it... That was a different world, a different lifetime, it seems....

Happier Days - Trip To Phuket

In June, on the invitation of the Asian Banker's Club, I went to Phuket to explore some real estate opportunities by the Thai developer Sansiri.

I didn't buy a unit, though I came close, because the proposition was good and because the Asian Banker's Club people were not pushy but extremely nice and helpful (Maybe next time).

Well, that was my first time to Phuket and of course the beaches were Ace.

And the night life....exciting....

But also a word about the hotels. For example, for a hundred bucks Sing, I stayed at the Hyatt Regency at Kamala Beach on a hill overlooking the sea in huge room with my own jacuzzi pool.... Very nice... And I have been around a bit in Hyatts....

Return To Cleveland 2014

By April 2014, my eye was getting worse. Water was accumulating under the retina and the retinal detachment was getting larger. That necessitated a return to the Cleveland Clinic. Notice the barren trees as the area tried to shake of winter...

Only consolation was that in transiting in Tokyo, I got to visit and see the Tsukiji Market in full flow, something I missed the previous time on a Sunday.

I of course sampled the very famous seafood rice bowls....

Happier Days - Trip To Philippines

It has been a really rough time recently. Hope to talk about it soon, but stickler for chronological order that I am, these are some pictures that I took with my Mum on a trip to the Philippines over Chinese New Year.

These are some shots taken at Intramuros.

This is Lake Taal. It is unique in that it is a volcano with a crater within a lake within a crater. Get it?

Regional Roaming

I do not know what it was. The joy of being alive, or the knowledge that life is, if anything, fragile that made me embark on a spate of regional travels for the rest of 2013 after coming back from Cleveland.

I went to KL to watch an ATP 250 tennis event...

I went to Kuantan several times to reflect by the beach....

I went to Bandung, where I visited Tangkuban Perahu, a nearby volcano...



I also went to Hong Kong, Shenzhen, Guangzhou, Bangkok and Shanghai but I don't have photos and even if I did, they would take far too long to post. My mind was not on showcasing my life, but merely savouring it, see?

Troubled Travels 2013 - Tokyo

After San Francisco, we flew back across the Pacific to Tokyo. As with San Francisco, I opted to spend a few days in Tokyo rather than transit straight away to Singapore.

After so many weeks of turmoil, after a week of confinement immediately after the operation, things seemed a little more stable, if only for a while. My eye was improving, and the effects of the operation wearing off, so this was a time of a lot of hope and optimism. It was good while it lasted.

We stayed at the Intercontinental at Tokyo Bay. These are some of the views I had...

I managed to go to a Cat Cafe...

And watch the Robot Show at Kabuki-Cho... It was very entertaining. Neon lights and robots flashing past.... It's called the Robot Show so I'm obliged to show some Robots...

But mostly my eyes, the good and the bad one, were on other attractions.....

That was a good period of time, one which I have seen little of since...

Troubled Travels 2013 - San Fransisco

It is so odd that I got to travel and visit places which I had always heard of but never thought I would be going any time soon after I was diagnosed with cancer.

This is San Fransisco, where I spent a night and a morning on the way back from Cleveland. I stayed at a place near Chinatown. As you can see, I hardly had time to roam the place. Plus, I was still wearing a patch over my eye.

Troubled Travels 2013 - Cleveland

For those of you who have not read earlier parts of my blog, there was a tumor found at the back of my eye, discovered after an operation to re-attach my retina. The doctors in Singapore did not really know what it was, until a visiting professor from the US diagnosed it as a melanoma. It being a very rare condition for Asians, treatment was only available in the States. And that was where I went for my operation. It's called plaque, or brachytherapy, where they irradiate the tumor for a few days by attaching a radioactive plaque over the tumor and then removing it a few days later. So that was 3 operations in the space of one and a half months for me.

These are some shots of Cleveland. These were before the operation.

This is the Cleveland Clinic where I had the operation. It's a nice place to recuperate.

Recent Past - MBA Europe Trip - Belgium- Ghent

I went to Ghent....



And that's it for the MBA trip....

Recent Past - MBA Europe Trip - Belgium- Brussels

It's amazing.... The last time I stopped short half-way talking about "The recent past" being my MBA trip, it was 7 months or so ago. It is no longer recent. So many things have happened. For consistency though, I will label these posts on the MBA trip last year as such. And I will rush through....

I was in Brussels....

Recent Past - MBA Europe Trip - Belgium- Dinant

We reached Brussels, the city where I was to have my final MBA module, on 7 July.

But the first thing we did was to head to the French-speaking South, and Dinant, a town famous for its citadel.

And there it is, in the background of the church....

Which itself is quite a sight.

This is the view from the citadel.

Dinant was also the birthplace of the inventor of the saxophone, thus all these saxes....

One would have to be there to savour the sights which look right out of a postcard. I have so many more pictures but that was a different era of my life so I stop at these...