My Life

These few days have been truly miserable. I guess there have been worse days in terms of absolute results or happenings before but never before have I felt nor experienced a series of events so intertwined that, individually harmless or remediable, taken in the aggregate, combine to produce the most unqualified disaster.

Everything, the chronology, the circumstances, the timing, the opportunity, the responses had to be inch perfect, in the correct sequence for this to have taken place. Nothing less would have been sufficient.

Now, I have gotten out of far bigger ruts than this before but never have I been left questioning, given the events which somehow have conspired to bring about this state affairs, whether providence is really writ large in the stars, immutable and unchangeable, whether we are all but entities playing out a script written for us, whether free will is in fact a farce hidden behind the guise of causation.

I will try to find the strength to soldier on but truth be told, I have never felt more lonely, alone and empty than before, having come to the realization that few would even listen, let alone empathize and sympathize. Or is it because providence, or fate, or predestination or whatever you call it dictates that I go down this path alone, for those who I had believed and hoped would be there for me at a time like this are conspicuous only by their absence.

But I will go it alone and I will brace myself and I will continue believing that the choices I make can still change my life for the better. That disciple and hard work and endeavour still greatly increase chances of success. That drive and determination, graft and craft, are qualities that we, as sentient beings, choose to exhibit in the pursuit of what is meaningful to us.

And if I am wrong, then let my defiance echo in the wind, even if it will only fade and be slowly drowned out by the unavoidable vicissitudes of my life. This much, I choose to do. This much, I believe is my choice. Let's see if it makes any difference in the final reckoning and the grand scheme of things.