Why?

I had thought of what to write but I suddenly forgot, went blank. That's strange, because I am by nature a ruer who dwells on things. But I guess this lapse is ok because things happen pretty suddenly these days.

And that's the thing. Perhaps it would be easier to accept if there was some warning. I had been talking to him the day before and he looked reasonably stable. The doctors said that the pneumonia was definitely improving. His last message to me in the morning was "Have a good time" with reference to my trip.

Time. That's what I feel I lost. Everybody goes one day. But so many people have so much more time. But I guess I should be grateful for there are others who have had so much less. And for the time I did have. But as I said earlier I am by nature a ruer, and I keep wondering what might have been.

I am for the most part fine these days, until my brilliant but unstable mind starts making connections and linkages. "I remember the last time we were here....." "It was just last week when we were talking about this....." " He always wanted to come here...."

People say things go in stages.... Denial, Anger, Resignation, Acceptance, was it that? But because it happened so quickly, so suddenly, I guess I'm still caught at Stage 1. Sometimes it feels as if nothing has changed, that he is just round the corner, at home waiting, watching TV.

But everything has changed. No matter what happiness awaits me in life, things will never be the same.

But... And this I just thought of on the spur, at this moment, I guess I have to go out and find whatever happiness that I can still find.

Because that is what he would have wanted.