Station In Life

A very high-ranking, but wonderfully nice, officer in my fine company sent me this questionnaire, thinking it may help me chart my course for the foreseeable future...

I of course answered as honestly as I could...

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1. What is your current job? How long have you worked there?
- The question is complex. How do you define job? How do you define work?


2. What are your career aspirations?
- To be rich enough to buy Manchester United


3. What are you most proud of?
- The fact that I’m still going despite the fact that I’ve nothing to be proud of.


4. What has been your biggest disappointment?
- The fact that I’ve nothing to be proud of. Duh…..


5. What are the three things I should know about you?
- I’m darn cool
- But nobody thinks so
- But that’s only cos I’m darn sway


6. What tips would you give me to work effectively with you?
- What makes you think you need any tips. I’m so easy to work with. I’m the epitome of niceness
- Oh but, of course, you should know I’m almost always right
- Gimme lots of freebies/ $$$$ (ie. Pay me lot of $$ if you are my superior, always gimme extra food if you are not, which is not to say you can’t still do so even if you are)


7. What’s missing in your life? What would make your life more fulfilling?
Missing:-

- $$$
- Paige Chua
- Any equivalent who is pretty, intelligent and devoted.


What would make it more fulfilling:-

- $$$
- Paige Chua
- Any equivalent who is pretty, intelligent and devoted


8. What do you want to work on? Think of this from a standpoint of expanding your potential rater than fixing faults. How will you know that you have achieved this goal? What will be different in your life that you can point to and say “yes I have achieved it”?
1) Earning lost of $$$$
2) Being in a stable relationship with Paige Chua and/or any equivalent who is pretty, intelligent and devoted
3) Owning Manchester United

Proof of Pudding:-

1)I have S$3 billion in bank account
2)I’m lapping it up in some beach in the Carribean with Paige Yeo (Yup, Yeo’s my surname)
3)Or watching my favourite team play at Old Trafford from the owner’s box.

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But seriously, it is superiors like that who have a sense of humour (I think, cos she said it was funny), who don't talk you down, who have no airs and who are willing to teach, which ameliorates the daily grind.

My Blog...

I like an order to things, especially a chronological one, so it's with some regret that I have to interrupt my posts of my travels (and travails) over Christmas with a totally unrelated article.

You see, the trauma of losing my handphone, as well as all the information inside it, has still not ebbed and I am rendered relatively inarticulate.

That said, a friend of a friend told me recently that she prefers reading Jac's blog...

"Her writing's more readable," she said. "At least she doesn't try to show off"

"B-but... I don't try to show off, I said. "And my writing's readable!"

"Take your appeal to anybody who had a spare handphone and was willing to lend it to you for a day, for example..."

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My Friends,

I am grievously stripped and naked, for in the morn, providence dictated that I was parted with my handphone in circumstances as unwitting as the loss was unwilling. I do beseech and implore you all thus, most beloved friends and/or colleagues (or both):- If thou be possessed, in the nearby environs, of more than one unit of the said contraption mentioned above such that no utile would be served to let said contraption lie idle and metaphorically festerant in a drawer, cabinet, armoire or any otherwise concealed circumstances, to find the rare charity to verily lend me the same for a few score hours, after which I would, having been given most fortunate respite, have opportunity to find the safe haven of my abode without being ravaged by the vagaries which plague life’s travelers who attempt to traverse the meridiens without the tools that make life bearable, if not liveable.

And you would thusly have my word and attendant bond that upon the rectifying amelioration of my deficient circumstances, I will verily, without need for express demand, render the borrowed item back into your possession with urgent dispatch.

Your Most Sincere But Troubled Colleague,
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"I'm not even sure it even makes sense, if half the words you used even exist" she said.

"It probably doesn't, and they probably don't. But that's the point. People still get what I'm trying to say even if I coin words because it's all context. It's humorous, and besides, in response to critics, I sent another e-mail appeal using more... proletarian language..."

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Oh I’m Sorries,

Peoples says they canst understands me.

All I wants to says is that this morning I loss my handphones and I very sad.

But lives must goes on and I tells myselfs to be strong. But in the meantimes, if anybody has got a spares handphones in the office, can lend me? I sure return wan and I whole live loves you (as a fren only, of course).

Once again, thanX. With lots of KISSES….

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"That's still showing off. She said. Besides, Beng-speak is not like that. You're not a natural.... It's all about balance," she added.

Balance... I tink hor, dat perchance people verily misunderstand my intentions. But neh mind... I will continue to bear wif fortitude and forbearance any criticism which people say 2 me wan....

Looking For A Male Friend!!!

Ok, this is not another cheap gimmick or another plaintive attempt to garner readership.

This is a serious topic up for discussion, borne out of a talk I recently had over lunch with a colleague (my manager actually).

"Ugh... My best friend is on holiday. Jac's busy, ST is away on work and AA is tied up the whole week.... I've got nothing to do. I'm so bored!!!" said I.

"Wait a minute," replied my manager, as he finished his dumpling soup. "Aren't all of the above-mentioned girls?

"Err.. Yes. So what? Are you sexist?"

"No, no. It's just that most guys, when their girlfriends are busy, go hang out with their guy friends, like shoot some pool, down some beer. You know? And... The thing with having best friends who are female is that for some unknown reason, they all tend to be indisposed at the same time - and what happens when they get attached or married or what have you? So while that's more than enough close friends to have who are female, most guys have close guy friends as well, so that instead of having to look for alternative company within a category, they get to plow through a totally different subset of friends."

And that set me thinking. It is true that all my best buddies, platonic or otherwise (now, I sure wouldn't have to clarify this if my best friends were guys) are girls, or women. Even in the workplace, the colleagues, apart from my manager, with whom I lunch most often are female.

It's not by choice, but I guess I realised from a long time ago that I'm not really a 'Guy's Guy'. Don't get me wrong, I love sports, I crack dirty jokes as well as the best of them and I simply adore the aesthetics of the opposite sex. But I guess I'm also far too sentimental, I rue a lot and cry over spilt milk. I don't smoke, drink, dance and while I love admiring beauty when it passes by, I am not into 'conquests', one-night stands and the like. I am not a 'player'.

But perhaps more importantly, I actually listen to the issues which my female friends have, their identity, relationship, mid-life and sometimes existential, crises. I have, on more than one occasion, willingly taken a phone call late at night from a wailing best friend, persuading her that it was not the end of the world that her dream man had left her.

But isn't that what girls do - cry on one's shoulder - with their GIRLfriends? I'm sure they do just that but I guess that -as far as relationship issues are concerned - not only do I offer an uncomplaining listening ear, I also chip in with a very heterosexual male point of view. And I think it helps that I am unbiased too, judging by the number of times I have further berated an already disconsolate friend for her appalling behaviour, telling her that even after hearing only her side of the story, I think the breakup was the best thing to happen to HIM.

But that is only one side of the story, for I think my best friends are some of the most obliging, tolerant and understanding people. I also think that equally important, they are very, very cool. They may like to shop and take pictures of the food that they eat (why does every one of them do that?) but prissy and prudish this lot is not. They have (not all at the same time, of course) trudged with me in the back alleys of Malaysia, in the sweltering heat in Vietnam and through the undulating terrain in China. They mix it up effortlessly when it comes to dirty jokes and they cuss fluently in more than one language. Who needs guy friends when you have friends like this?

But I digress. Back to my original premise. If there are any eligible, single guys out there who like sports, ogling at, talking about girls (and occasionally more pressing problems like work, the world at large and world peace) and/or simply just chilling out in a pub with a live-band, do let me know.

I'd be happy for your company when (and only when) my present lot of best friends are unavailable. For I wouldn't substitute that lot for anything or anybody else, given a choice.

And to all my close friends who have listened to me whine, rage and complain all these years - and you guys (gals mostly!) know who you are - thanks so much!!!

Interim Analysis Of A Virgin Poster

First up, woe is me, for I have been ill.

Woe too, therefore, to my faithful regular readership which has more than doubled (from 2 to 5!!!)

But the show must go on. And gritting my teeth, and trying to handle my infirmity with utmost fortitude, I do a short review today.

It's almost been half a year since, because of envy and jealousy borne out of Jac's rich pickings in blog ad revenues, I tried beat a path for myself and make some money on the side as well.

Alas, sad to say, the going has not been smooth so far. Readership, despite its phenomenal doubling over the last month, is low in absolute terms, to say the least. And the stats show that for a long time, my most-read post was Chick Magnet - My Pussy.

That puzzled me for a while - and then it all made sense. Especially when I delved a little further into the stats that the good people at Blogger.com automatically collate for all earnest bloggers like myself. I looked under the section Keyword Search and when I saw "friendly + pussies", I couldn't resist a chuckle. I could just imagine a hormone-charged teen keying in the words "Chick + Pussies + Stroke + Pictures" under the Search function of blogger and then reading the first few lines of that particular post, which quoted a female friend of mine saying "... I cannot resist stroking your pussy behind a closed door" only to scroll down and see pictures of my two very adorable cats. That must surely have gotten him (or her?!?!) down (hmm... should a pun be intended?)

As Jac told me, if one blogs only for the money, then it is most probable that one would not be able to keep it up. Indeed, after a few months, I've discovered that there is a bizarre (and sometimes perverse) thrill to putting into writing one's thoughts and posting pictures for others so that they see the world, however briefly, through our eyes and it's more than enough if it at least one person appreciates it. As Jac pointed out, most people would read your blog at least once because you told or asked them to, but only a few would continuously go back to it because they genuinely think it is a good read - it is for those few people who you dedicatedly and assiduously write for (and sometimes to).

That said, more hits and more readership, serendipitously obtained or otherwise, is most welcome. And that is why this post will appear to anybody who enters into a Keyword Search the following:- "Virgin" and "Pussy" and "Pictures".

One-Way Communication

My Dad has just spent the last few days in and out of hospital because of chest pains. The ECGs and the blood tests have been found to be 'ok' but/so the doctors think that there may be symptoms of a mild stroke.

He did not tell my sis or me anything about it until we saw the plasters on his hand from where blood was extracted for the tests. Said he, "Unlike all of you, I know how to take care of myself. See? I go to the hospital myself and do not trouble anybody."

As he was irritated and a little animated, I did not want to argue further. But I think what he is doing is the anithesis of taking care of one's self. To me, when you have an ailment, you attend to it immediately. And you let those who are close to you in on it so that they can help - maybe no one in your immediate circle is an expert but they may know others who are. Or they may know other avenues by which help could be sought. And if they do not know maybe they can make arrangements or tailor their actions to create an environment condusive for recovery. If anything, it is better, I think, to let people know early rather than drop a bombshell later.

Taking care of yourself is not smoking 10-20 cigarettes a day despite your age and health problems, falling ill and then picking up the pieces yourself. Taking care of yourself is letting your immediate circle know early so that everybody can work together to solve the problem.

Principles of Legal Writing

Hello everybody, my brief re-flirtation with my legal roots has got me all excited. Today, I would like to share with you the basic skills required to be a lawyer. I would like to share with you an excerpt from one of the highly recommended texts, Still the Official Lawyer's Handbook, by Daniel R. White.

1. Never use one word when ten will do.

2. Never use a small word where a big one will do.

3. Never use a simple statement where it appears that one of substantially greater complexity will achieve comparable goals.

4. Never use English where Latin, mutatis mutandis, will do

5. Qualify virtually everything

6. Do not be embarrassed about repeating yourself

7. Do not be embarrassed about repeating yourself

8. Worry about the difference between "which" and "that"

9. Never refer to your opponents "arguments" - he makes only "assertions", and his assertions are always "bald".

10. If a lay person can read a document from beginning to end without falling asleep, it needs work

Two-Way Communication

Most of the time at work, the torpor and ennui that starts to percolate in small amounts at the beginning of the day becomes an overwhelming deluge by mid-afternoon. The tide is sometimes stemmed by a call to my fellow 'in-houser', Jac. Don't know why, but I found the last conversation kind of funny in an understated kind of way...

Jac: Oh hello..Wait.. What the f*&#!
Me: Eh?
Jac: Stuff just landed on my table. Do you know my company's adopting a cotton tree in the zoo?
Me: Cool. I guess you can make your own uniforms from now on-
Jac: And in the Bird Park, we're adopting a spiked Hornbill...
Me: Hey I like hornbills. I think they're cute-
Jac: And I have to go through all the adoption documents!
Me: There was actually a hornbill tour when I went to Sabah this year. Should have gone...
Jac: Why do we adopt shit like this?
Me: The proboscis monkey in Sabah is the best though...
Jac: And why are there so many documents for this stupid tree? Hey, my boss is calling.
Me: Mine's only looking. But we should go. Thanks for talking to me.
Jac: No problem. Bye.

What's In A Name?

Was just recalling a scene from Chestnuts when they did a spoof of Riis Low's (imaginary or otherwise) sister.

Qn:- So what's your name?
Ans:- Ivory. My Chinese name is Ah Q so my full name is Low Ah Q. Ivory Low Ah Q...

That memory aside, it made me think about how people, in order to differentiate themselves (I suppose), make slight modifications to some otherwise very common English names. I have seen names like Janyce (Janice), Charen (pronounced Karen) and any number of variarions of Jolin, Joline, Jolene or Jolyn.

I also have a friend called Karenina. She is always at great pains to explain that she gave herself that name not in a quest for uniqueness but because of inspiration derived from reading Leo Tolstoy's famous novel Anna Karenina. So, Karenina Chow she was for many years. By some cruel (or some say humorous twist of fate), she married some bloke called Edwin Bay and adopted his surname so Karenina Bay she is now. All those of you who still haven't got the nuance might want to imagine her being introduced to the audience by a fast-talking, slurry speaker at a Hokkien Gala dinner.

But I have to hand it to Karenina sometimes. She told me recently that she thought it more appropriate to add her maiden surname to her husband's. So she asked me which I thought sounded better: Chow-Bay or Bay-Chow. Definitely Chow-Bay, I told her. "But why?", Sze Wai (that's her Chinese name) asked. "You tell me, Mrs Karenina Bay-Chow Sze Wai", I replied.