Book I Read - The Perk by Mark Jimenez

I borrowed a book from a friend. It was written by Mark Jimenez, whose novels have plots revolving around the law and legal issues. Some of the parts of the book hit home a little harder than usual. Not because it involves an area which I am (supposed to be) familiar with, but because the protagonist is a lawyer who has lost his wife to cancer. Through the book, he finds and reads emails written by his wife throughout the stages of her cancer. Some of it, I could identify with - the fear, the despair, the hope (which is linked to the fear, that the hope is false or in vain, in a draining cycle). I read it before my latest scans, and it scared me because I wondered if it would be the same for me. And then my scan results came and I wondered if some parts are chillingly, and eerily similar, if this is going to be my story too, if the book was prophetic.

Anyway, here is a part of the book. In this scene, the main character, Beck, is taking his son, Luke, who has withdrawn very badly into himself since his mother's death, on a hike. He is encouraging Luke to open up.

"I'd sit right here for hours ... trying to figure things out. To understand why life isn't fair. But I know there's no figuring it out. All you can hope for is that your mother's life had meaning to your life, otherwise her life was wasted. I look at you and Meggie, and I see her. Up here, I feel my mother's spirit. She lives on in me. Luke, your mother's spirit lives on in you. You just have to let yourself feel it."

"But if you keep up like this, you'll drive her spirit out of you. Don't do that, son. Keep her inside you. Remember her in the good days, before she was sick, at your games cheering like a crazy woman when you got a hit or scored a goal or nailed a jump shot. She loved to watch you play. Because that's who you are, Luke. You're an athlete. And she's still watching you. Make her cheer for you again, son."

I was kind of feeling sorry for myself when I read it and then I realized a fundamental difference. I'm not gone yet! I'm still here!

I guess I chose to write out this conversation here because it struck me that Beck was telling his son that his mother's spirit was still in him even though she was no longer physically around. But on the other hand, I'm still here, breathing, feeling, living. If I plunge into self-pity and despair and withdraw from all that is beautiful in this world, then, much like Beck said to Luke, I would drive my spirit out of myself. And I would do so when I am still physically around. That, to me, would be one of life's utmost tragedies. I think it's ironic, but also easily understandable, how so many people may find it easier to feel the spirits of their loved ones inside them but struggle to locate their own spirit when faced with a crisis - life is tough and for so many, it is so much easier to long for others rather than fight one's own, possibly losing, battle.

But I choose to fight. I too was, am, an athlete. I do remember the races I ran, the records I broke. I recall, how, after suffering an injury which meant I would never run competitively again, I switched my attention to academics and got my first degree before I became an adult. But that doesn't really matter now. Unlike Beck, I am not recalling the good days. Those were not the good days, The good days are now! Always. For whatever time there is left (and may that be a long time yet). Life is for living, and I am going to live, I am going to fight it, to kick it, to hug it, to cling to it, to taste it, to love it, to hate it, to fear it, to savour it, to lash out at it, to dance with it, to play with it, to embrace it, to kiss it, to swing with it. But in all instances, I am going to live it.

So often people talk about dying before their time. To me, dying before one's time is losing one's spirit when one's body is still up and running. Not me. I am not done yet.

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P.S: But we all know it is a tough battle. And, to all those reading, I know Beck's last line to his son was "Make her cheer for you..." But as I said, sometimes we feel down, we feel it is really, really tough, So for those of you who are generous enough, you don't have to wait for me to make you cheer for me. Cheer for me now! You have no idea how that uplifts the spirit.